Mui.Unbound

October 15, 2010

Music: Maybe this time

Lying here in my bed, thinking of nothing in particular, — to be exact. However, tried as hard as I possibly can to avoid it, your face still haunts my nights, turning my supposed-to-be time to sleep into a paradise or a nightmare – it depends actually. I still dream of you every other night (if not every night), and in my dreams it’s still the happy you-and-me story and it never seems to part from me.

I’ve been trying so hard to write my feelings, wanting to let it go, making it breathe and find its home. But, I just couldn’t –until now- for reasons I don’t know. Maybe because it’s not yet the right time? I’m not yet prepared to let my story and frustrations go? Or I simply am still holding on to the promise you gave me when we were lying in that silent field one sweet night – you promising me that you will marry me and I believing in that promise when Silliman lost its lights. Oh how I wish that night was tonight. Just you and me against the world, with nothing to worry about, and only our love to celebrate. But, that isn’t the case and now I’m lying here alone in my bed, thinking: “Was it really just my fault? Have I gone far enough for the name of Love and of Truth? Or was I merely fooled by someone who claimed he’ll love me until the very end?” I guess I’ll never know the answers to these questions until that day –when you decide to finally talk to me and tell me where exactly we went wrong.

I have waited for this moment to come. For me to finally be able to write this letter or whatsoever you call this, and at least, finally let go of the pain caused by love.

I saw you passed by Memento awhile ago, wearing the band uniform. For awhile I forgot the fact that you replaced me for her. For a moment I was almost tempted to stand up and go to you, give that kiss we always give each other every time we meet, and tell you how badly and terribly I miss you. Then reality woke me up and it said, “Bevs, he’s no longer yours. You weren’t brave enough to fight for him and he wasn’t strong enough to give you that one last chance.” That one last chance. Damn that chance! And damn you for not giving me that. For a few seconds a stared into space and reminisced the moments we had together – both happy and sad. The things we do that only the two of us can understand. And the words we said that only us can comprehend. Oh, how I miss you. How I miss us.

Then, afterwards, I decided to unblock you both in FACEBOOK and befriend you (as of now, I don’t know if both of you accepted my friend requests, and I think I really won’t care if you do or don’t, anymore). Stared at your profile picture and said. “He used to tell me that – when I was the one and only person you loved back then. Now, you’re telling it someone else.” But, somehow it gave me an inner peace. I got happy. I think that’s just the way it feels when you finally decide to let go and accept the fact that what was then will never be now.

Now, I am able to write this – with the help of alcohol. I’ve been struggling to write the few lines, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to finish it and would just end up crying. Yes, right now, my heart wants to cry, my eyes ready to let those tears fall again for you, but something just wouldn’t let it happen. Maybe it’s because I’ve cried so much for you. Cried so much for a love that was supposed to be perfect until we lost the only thing the world tries so hard to keep – TRUST.

You trusted me and I did the same. But God has its own plans and His own ways of breaking and molding us. In your case, you have to tell me lies so that I would go about asking every subject of your story for the truth. And in my case, I have to kiss someone in front of you and make you doubt my love for you. Nevertheless, our actions definitely broke us apart – though we tried to mend what was broken – and pulled us away from each other to the point that we have to break up totally so that we would be able to learn and grow. Though not instantly. We went to being bitter and did all those stupid, childish acts until we finally decided it’s enough.

And yes, now I’m changing. I’m seeing my mistakes and I’m learning from them – every bit of them. And now I understand, that even if you cannot forgive me and your sister still gives me those fiery look, everything happened so that both of us will grow mature and will go back and seek the One who brought us together back then.

As of now, I’m still hoping that one day forgiveness will be granted. Broken hearts would be mended. Friendship will be rebuild and Bitterness will go away. No matter how long that time would be, I would wait. For in waiting. I am molded and I am prepared to become exactly the person God made me to be.

I may not fully understand God’s plan and ways and how He allowed us to fall so deeply in Love, then, destroyed us both, I know there is a greater purpose for this. And though my heart still hurts every time I remember our Love – the two years and a half we spent together (Lovers or not), I am now able to say that I know I’ll understand everything in due time and I know forgiveness will come at the right moment.

You lied and I did something stupid. You played with my heart and I was blinded not to see. You tried to explain and I did not listen. I tried to tell you everything but you wouldn’t believe me anymore. I think that’s what happens when too much love is shown and when trust is broken.

You are my Zahir (as Paulo Coelho would call it) and you will remain my Zahir until that day when forgiveness is mine, bitterness is gone, and understanding will once again take place.

You might be happy right now and that happiness of yours still gives me that squeeze. You might be in love and that would make me lonely longer. But until you forgive yourself, me, and all those people involved in our so-called love story, you – and I for this matter – will never find that true peace, that freedom that can be found within. And until that day comes, a part of me will always be here, waiting in silence. It may take years – or it may never come at all – but I’ll wait for that day, when you and everyone involved will be able to understand and forgive me and what I did for love.

Thank you for granting me the opportunity to learn. Thank you for not giving me another chance to change – through that I was able to give myself that chance to change. Thanks for dumping me in front of your girlfriend and making me look pathetic – that made me stronger and proud that I did try to fight for someone, even if I knew I’d lose the fight. Thank you for making me see that WE will no longer work – it allowed me make other things work. Thank you for hating me – it gave me the chance to forgive myself and forget about being bitter. Thanks for not fighting for me – it made me fight for myself and for the Truth. Thank you for allowing me to forget God for awhile – it actually gave me the reason to reconnect with Him again and realize that He has better plans for me and that He can use you and anyone else to make me realize this. Most of all, thank you for loving me – it’s God’s way of telling me that I am worth loving.

Our relationship might have failed. It might have brought chaos to our already-chaotic life. But I thank God for allowing me to experience two years with you. For in those two years, I felt that even a person like me can be loved and be accepted. It has also made me realized that though our relationship might have failed, we don’t have to fail with it.

God has indeed taught me some of Life’s greatest and most important lessons in life – the harder way. And now I can say, that I am ready to face a more challenging and chaotic life because He made me successful in this test, He would surely make me successful in the challenges and chaos to come.

This story started with the truth and I know one day, it will close its door with nothing but the truth. God has its ways and time, all I have to do is wait. And when that day comes, I’d finally be able to say that I am successful in letting you go and that I am happy for you.

I love you and I know a part of me will always will. Why? Because when I told you and promised you I’ll love you forever, I was damn serious.

xoxo,
Bhevs